The Pleasure Report. Year 3, Week 1. The greatest pain edition

Please be forewarned.

This post is personal and painful.

Stop now all those who don’t want to get into all that.

I’ve been torn between curling up in a ball and hiding myself away, or instead letting the light get to the most painful parts in the hope that it will heal better there.

I’ve decided, despite the professional risks, to let the light get at it.


I understand perfectly if you’d rather not get into all that.

For those that would prefer to go now, I understand,  I’ll see you next week.


For the rest, here we go….


Week 1 in the 3rd year of pleasure


The Pleasure


Ninety one points

And a 13:1 pleasure to pain ratio

We’ve reached a third year of pleasure.


I’m entering it with such a mixture of emotions.

Sitting side by side I have both a heavy grieving heart and the most exciting ideas for the work I’ll be doing this year.

They take turns to wash over me.

One moment I beam broadly and the very next moment, when in private, my head sinks and tears stream down my face.


Amazing collaborative retreat

In a most pleasurable guided visualisation in a taster call from the wonderful Hiro Boga, picturing what 2012 holds for my work, I pictured quite the most unique retreat I have ever imagined.

In the Caribbean.

It’s so good, that the leaders I’ve spoken to so far, including me, want to attend it rather than run it.

I had visions of whipping it together in a month but that was before the pain, which is to be respected and given space.

I think it may still have a European pilot in 2012 and if it works well, run in 2013.


Circling round

It would be my wont, in the face of pain,or worry, to curl up and be by myself.

To come out of hibernation at some point down the line and say this happened but I’m better now.

To go it alone.

So no one need be troubled by my pain.


This time I told people.

And my goodness they circled round.

And what a wonderful thing that is.

It is still quite the most emotionally painful time I’ve had and now it’s also the warmest, most loving time I’ve had too.


Goodness me. The rollercoaster.

Wild exciting ideas followed by, in the same day, the most horrible pain and then again in what feels like it can’t possibly be the same day, but it is, the most loving circling round of women that I have experienced.

My wee man deserves a special mention. Maybe a commendation, for being compassionate beyond his years.


The pain


My gentlemanfriend broke up with me.

It was not mutual and I was so sure we could do things differently and be stronger and closer for it,  in the end.

But he didn’t think so.

Oh my goodness the pain.

Sometimes very, very quiet but burning and then explosive and needing kettle drums, full orchestra and choir, requiem to acknowledge the sheer bursting massive scale of it.


I thought walking in the stormy winds this week would be powerful enough to make some impression on it, but there’s been nothing strong enough to match it. Storms rage outside me and it rages within me.

And my goodness that is good stuff.

To let the pain meet its match in force, in music, and see that it’s allowed to be as strong as it is.

See that I’m not frightened of it, that it won’t kill me, that it’s going to be allowed full expression and need not be less than it is for fear of my not being able to bear it.

That has been enormously healing.


And besides, there is absolutely nothing I can do about this pain other than let it be.

And after the storm,  The Beatles. Let it be.


It’s a good job my neighbour is pretty much deaf. It’s been a loud week.

I don’t expect there’ll be another week quite like this.  Please not for quite some time anyway.

And if I ever said to you that I like surprises. I’ve changed my mind. Cancel that until further notice.


I’m ok.

I plan to continue to let it be.  With no expectations of what it will be.


Your week?

I know. Follow that! It’s hard to come and say how your week was on the back of that.

But, I’d like it if you felt able.

It’s very good to feel those feelings and not suppress them, but it’s also good not to stay in them all the time.

I would really like to hear about your week. Your pleasure and pain, in the comments.




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  1. Posted January 8, 2012 at 9:00 pm | Permalink

    That’s good news about the retreat and for a son with so much compassion. His mum must have done a good job 🙂

    Beautifully written about the pain.

    My good stuff is that the pup and I are reaching a level of understanding. The biting intensity has dropped. He walks on the lead round the garden like I know what I’m doing. He curls up next to me after breakfast when I’m oh so tired and we doze together for 40 mins or so.

    On the pain side, apart from the biting and chewing, it is the pup again, sort of. I just never thought how much it would take out of me the getting up early, the constant in and out of the house to the garden, the needing to be excited and playful even when all I want to do is crash, the being the guardian of the house, the mopping up the carpet time and again. Today I’ve been dizzy and so tired I want to cry, but I know that’s only because I am exhausted. I’m sure it’ll get easier but I’m getting a salutary reminder of just what my body’s limitations are.


  2. Casey
    Posted January 8, 2012 at 11:29 pm | Permalink


    What a terrible hurt you’re probably feeling. A thousand hugs for the hard and kudos for the noticing and processing and sharing it with us.

    My week was full of strange and volatile events plus I’m getting a cold again. It’s like I have perma-brain fogginess. Luckily I have the most supportive Hippie helping to take care of me so I can work on my own processing.


  3. Posted January 9, 2012 at 12:41 am | Permalink

    Pauline, I’m far away but circling round, too. I’m inspired by your honesty and bravery.


  4. Posted January 9, 2012 at 2:18 am | Permalink

    Sending love for all of the pain and for all of the pleasure. I appreciate your ability to speak it like this. Making a mug of tea for you and wishing I could magically whoosh it over to you.


  5. Posted January 9, 2012 at 5:16 am | Permalink

    Oh, Pauline…how awful and painful.

    Thank you for sharing this, because it reminds me that even when I’m committed to increasing pleasure, sometimes life happens and there’s nothing we can do to stop it.

    It’s been a different sort of challenging week here…lots of stuckness and writer’s block and feeling afraid of what might happen.

    But, things seem to be slowly shifting. I’ve been more able to separate myself from those stuck feelings, which is such a relief.

    Wishing you so much comfort and absolutely *no* surprises.

    xo victoria

    P.S. Casey – I’m sending some healing vibes your way!


  6. Pauline
    Posted January 10, 2012 at 6:58 pm | Permalink

    Hello Victoria, how lovely to have you visit.
    And lovely to have your wise words here too.

    I’m glad that there’s been a slow shifting and an ability to separate yourself….yes such a relief…oh boy.

    And thank you for your wish of no surprises….I see you now as the gatekeeper, standing there strongly, guarding and barring the way to unpleasant surprises until I have the capacity to handle them again.

    Thank you very much for that. Feels good.
    I’m picturing you with swords crossed at the door, behind which I’m safe to heal at whatever pace is right. xx


  7. Pauline
    Posted January 10, 2012 at 7:05 pm | Permalink

    Havi! Hello.
    So lovely to see you here.
    Consider the tea magically whooshed 🙂
    I think I need more emoticon skills, look a bit noseless there…ha!
    Thank you for the love….soaking that in with much gratitude
    Much love for heartaches all round……it’s the way to go for sure
    Sending love to you xx


  8. Pauline
    Posted January 10, 2012 at 7:24 pm | Permalink

    Oh boy, hello hello…. lovely to see you here
    the circling round feels so very, very good. Thank you.
    I wish and wonder about the day when our virtual circling might become a reality in some way…space travel? something……
    For now, it’s really good to have you circling round virtually 🙂


  9. Pauline
    Posted January 10, 2012 at 7:30 pm | Permalink

    Thank you so much for the thousand hugs….
    Now that! is a good amount of hugs.
    I think even I, at this painful point, couldn’t run out of hugs when I have a thousand. Ha!
    A very good amount.

    As for getting a cold AGAIN….ugh and that coupled with strange and volatile events….double ugh
    sending *ughs* of disgust at them and happiness for the supportiveness of the Hippie. 🙂


  10. Posted January 13, 2012 at 5:15 pm | Permalink

    Oh, Pauline! I am so behind on blogs, and I wish I wasn’t, because this hug will reach you far, far later than it should. I hope you are aching less now. I hope you have found warm moments.



  11. Denise
    Posted January 14, 2012 at 2:12 am | Permalink

    Hi, I’m new here and sorry if I’m intruding. But I just had to say that your descriptions of the walks, and the wild wind, and how you hoped to be somehow comforted by that wind but were not, really resonated with me. Helped me explain to myself why I’ve simultaneously loved, and been disappointed by, windy walks my whole life. The pain I was trying to deal with was caused by familial stuff, not romantic stuff, but the rest of what you wrote…. wow. That will probably stay with me forever. Thank you. Letting myself just feel the pain… so revolutionary. Thank you.


  12. Pauline
    Posted January 14, 2012 at 6:18 am | Permalink

    Hello Denise,
    You’re very welcome, not intruding at all. I’m glad my words resonated with you and thank you for taking the time to let me know. 🙂


  13. Pauline
    Posted January 14, 2012 at 6:26 am | Permalink

    Alison, lovely to see you, and your hug is very much appreciated, anytime. I think it’s aching less and then I drive along behind a man on a motorbike and another wave rushes over me …..
    So….your hug is coming at a good time. 🙂


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