People come to me because there’s a problem.
Because there’s something wrong.
Something they want to solve or resolve.
And we talk about what it would ideally be like and how on earth you get from here to there or what at least would be a step towards it.
But. The initial focus is on what’s wrong. Lots of my toolkit of ways of looking at things and situations only come out in service of helping sort out what’s wrong.
We spend plenty time celebrating and sometimes being just downright overjoyed at how things have turned around but again this is the turning around of what was wrong in the first place.
I took a couple of days off this week and have been reading in a relaxed way and had quiet contemplative time to let things soak in and through and this theme came up.
The ratio of time and energy spent on problems and what’s wrong to time and energy spent on what’s wonderful.
Some of the people highlighting this for me;
Nancy Kline, Time to Think.
“In love relationships, tell each other precisely what you admire, respect, even adore in each other. Do this every day without fail – and always after an argument; during it if humanly possible. Restrict your criticisms to one fifth of all your interactions.”
Michael Port, The Think Big Manifesto
“All those I-can’t-I-don’t thoughts have no place. Set the tired dogma of those small thoughts ablaze with the kerosene strength of your curiosity and creativity.”
Corey Allan, at his blog www.simplemarriage.net
Let the best in you run your life. If you’re like most people, you have a scared, angry, vindictive, or lazy side that limits the quality of your relationship. You don’t have to let that side of you run your life. Instead, live from the resilient side of you. Remind yourself of what is admirable, competent and good about yourself, and about your partner.
Noticing the imbalance.
Of focus on what’s wrong rather than on what’s great, I decided to employ some of my favourite tools, for today, in pure unadulterated relishment of what makes life wonderful.
I use nonviolent communication, oh lifesaving, relationship healing wonderment that you are.
At a simple level it helps shift focus from judging and blaming about a situation onto what needs are unmet and what might take place to get them met. It’s been a most wonderful tool bringing peace to many situations that appeared locked in conflict.
Today I decided to use it not for solving a conflict but in exploration and celebration of what I love.
Turns out, above all else, I love, truth, love and beauty. In that order.
How do you do, pleased to meet you.
Those moments, maybe when I’m reading and my own mind is quiet, when I just see how something is. Crystal clarity sparks into being. I get it. I understand. I see what it’s all been about or what needs to be included or what needs to be said or done.
Flashes or sparks is usually how it feels, such a pure clear sense of things.
That this is the truth of the matter and I know it.
More often than not, it happens at inconvenient times. When I’m far from paper and pen.
In the shower, the bath, the garden, whilst meditating…..there you are Pauline, delivered unto you a little piece of exquisite truth.
And then I’m tense. How long will I be able to hold this and keep it pure and free of my interpretation, without adding to it and invariably muddying the water. Can I hold it till I’ve finished showering, gardening, meditating and risk losing it.
At this point I’m almost always, also, having an inner dance of pleasure at the truth of the insight, at the beauty of pure truth and squirming with delight, and if I enjoy that part too much then I’ll also lose the insight.
For wonders to behold that I daren’t risk losing, I take my dripping self, squirming with delight, no matter the soapiness of hair and body, straight to my nearest source of paper and pen. So many twisted warped bits of paper containing notes made whilst dripping.
Oh wow this is good stuff! It is the best thing for me. It is what I live for. It is when I bubble and fizz and cannot contain my delight.
That is the truth of it.
How’s your ratio? And what’s your thing you love most. Above all else?
Tell me. Leave a comment.
Next installment. Love.