Please be forewarned.
This post is personal and painful.
Stop now all those who don’t want to get into all that.
I’ve been torn between curling up in a ball and hiding myself away, or instead letting the light get to the most painful parts in the hope that it will heal better there.
I’ve decided, despite the professional risks, to let the light get at it.
I understand perfectly if you’d rather not get into all that.
For those that would prefer to go now, I understand, I’ll see you next week.
For the rest, here we go….
Week 1 in the 3rd year of pleasure
Ninety one points
And a 13:1 pleasure to pain ratio
We’ve reached a third year of pleasure.
I’m entering it with such a mixture of emotions.
Sitting side by side I have both a heavy grieving heart and the most exciting ideas for the work I’ll be doing this year.
They take turns to wash over me.
One moment I beam broadly and the very next moment, when in private, my head sinks and tears stream down my face.
Amazing collaborative retreat
In a most pleasurable guided visualisation in a taster call from the wonderful Hiro Boga, picturing what 2012 holds for my work, I pictured quite the most unique retreat I have ever imagined.
In the Caribbean.
It’s so good, that the leaders I’ve spoken to so far, including me, want to attend it rather than run it.
I had visions of whipping it together in a month but that was before the pain, which is to be respected and given space.
I think it may still have a European pilot in 2012 and if it works well, run in 2013.
It would be my wont, in the face of pain,or worry, to curl up and be by myself.
To come out of hibernation at some point down the line and say this happened but I’m better now.
To go it alone.
So no one need be troubled by my pain.
This time I told people.
And my goodness they circled round.
And what a wonderful thing that is.
It is still quite the most emotionally painful time I’ve had and now it’s also the warmest, most loving time I’ve had too.
Goodness me. The rollercoaster.
Wild exciting ideas followed by, in the same day, the most horrible pain and then again in what feels like it can’t possibly be the same day, but it is, the most loving circling round of women that I have experienced.
My wee man deserves a special mention. Maybe a commendation, for being compassionate beyond his years.
My gentlemanfriend broke up with me.
It was not mutual and I was so sure we could do things differently and be stronger and closer for it, in the end.
But he didn’t think so.
Oh my goodness the pain.
Sometimes very, very quiet but burning and then explosive and needing kettle drums, full orchestra and choir, requiem to acknowledge the sheer bursting massive scale of it.
I thought walking in the stormy winds this week would be powerful enough to make some impression on it, but there’s been nothing strong enough to match it. Storms rage outside me and it rages within me.
And my goodness that is good stuff.
To let the pain meet its match in force, in music, and see that it’s allowed to be as strong as it is.
See that I’m not frightened of it, that it won’t kill me, that it’s going to be allowed full expression and need not be less than it is for fear of my not being able to bear it.
That has been enormously healing.
And besides, there is absolutely nothing I can do about this pain other than let it be.
And after the storm, The Beatles. Let it be.
It’s a good job my neighbour is pretty much deaf. It’s been a loud week.
I don’t expect there’ll be another week quite like this. Please not for quite some time anyway.
And if I ever said to you that I like surprises. I’ve changed my mind. Cancel that until further notice.
I plan to continue to let it be. With no expectations of what it will be.
I know. Follow that! It’s hard to come and say how your week was on the back of that.
But, I’d like it if you felt able.
It’s very good to feel those feelings and not suppress them, but it’s also good not to stay in them all the time.
I would really like to hear about your week. Your pleasure and pain, in the comments.